SPRING HILL, TN — Americans for Prosperity (AFP), an organization once rumored to support liberty, is holding a “Legislative Wrap-Up” breakfast next Saturday — and this time, they’re proudly wrapping up more than legislation. They’re wrapping up the illusion that they stand for anything remotely conservative.
The event, held at Big Bad Breakfast (ironically named, as nothing says “small government” like subsidized eggs and big donor bacon), features a panel of state legislators who may or may not remember what the GOP platform actually says.
AFP’s mission statement reads:
“Americans for Prosperity believes freedom and opportunity are the keys to unleashing prosperity for all.”
But local grassroots activists have decoded the fine print:
“What that really means is: raise millions in lobbyist dollars to elect liberal-lite Republicans who vote like Democrats but smile like Reagan.”
Attendees will get the chance to hear from a mix of panelists, including two actual conservatives, who, in a tragic twist, have decided to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with the political equivalent of a wolf in a Reagan mask.
“It’s like watching George Washington join a TikTok collab with Karl Marx and a corporate PR firm,” said one bewildered voter.
Sources say the event will include a raffle where one lucky winner gets a signed copy of the Tennessee state budget — the one that funds drag shows, DEI consultants, and $500M in corporate incentives… all while claiming “fiscal responsibility.”
AFP promises this breakfast is just the beginning. Future events may include:
- “How to Say Nothing Boldly: A Masterclass in Safe Conservatism”
- “RINO Rodeo: Herding the Base Without Ever Listening to Them”
- And the fan favorite: “Grassroots in Name Only: How to Manufacture Support With Donor Dollars”
Bottom line: If this is “prosperity,” it sure looks a lot like centralized power, party control, and carefully pre-approved talking points.
Bring your own maple syrup — because the only thing thicker than the pancakes will be the spin.